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I feel like I’m old even though I’m not even 40 years old

My hands have been wrinkled since birth, and now that my head is full of gray hair, I’m very good at working with older people, old bosses.

When I was a child, I heard stories about old men and women who bought ready-made wooden coffins to keep at home. Back then, I didn’t know much fear, seeing death as something very normal. Later, when I was a little older, I pointed to a photo of my grandmother and asked her what the portrait was for, she said it was a later cult photo, taken when she was about 60 years old. More than 90 years, my grandmother just went to the afterlife. I also don’t know how the children followed his request or how they used other photos to worship. If we use his 60 year old photo, we will find his portrait a bit odd. Then, when I grew up, I noticed that my uncle and dad all took portraits at the age of 60-70 like a trend. I understand this is a kind of mentality, people want one that is alive given the appearance of their good and mature age. Like today’s young people who like to choose the best photos for online virtual live. Talking about a time when they don’t have cell phones, don’t have selfies, don’t have social networks, that’s why, the beautiful mentality to show off and save beautiful moments has become an inherent attribute of humanity.

From the day I turned 35, my family had many events, I myself had many ups and downs, my career life was rather short, or naturally, gray hair appeared a lot, making me feel “older”. I often think about retiring at 40, wanting to spend more time with my kids, needing to save for old age. I also feel scared whenever I see any signs of my health declining. As I was cared for and supported by my mother during childbirth and child-rearing, I realized that a woman without a mother by her side was terrible. I’ll never forget the hardships I overcame in each delivery, the messy hair, the sleepless nights when the baby was sick. Apart from these difficulties, I also have economic burdens and plans for the future. I am very afraid that I will die soon or that when I am old and weak, my health will not be there anymore. I used to think when I gave birth to a child, could I be there to help her through the tough times? I always try to at least not become an economic burden for my children.

I read somewhere: “Prepare for old age since you’re under 40. When you’re old, your kids only talk about care and visits, not how much each child pays for care and recruitment hard”. Children also have families, jobs, children… If all the priorities fall on their parents, of course the children’s lives will be unbalanced, even dangerous. I used to think that when I was old and weak, I would live in a nursing home on a care contract with my savings, enjoying life with people in similar situations.

It’s been a long time since I’ve read books dealing with Buddhism, believe in cause and effect, believe in giving to receive. Friends of the same age have people who just got married and are still having fun with the trip. Someone once advised me: “Life is good, live a little, just take it easy and “let go””. I don’t know what to let go of. You are in a parachute, you can only fly in the air, and I have no such condition. I still cherish every moment of happiness and participation in the game. I’m preparing a portrait but I don’t know if I will live to be 60 or 90 years old.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I see wrinkles, like how many stretch marks are on my stomach. It is fear or ridicule in people’s eyes, but to me, it is a testimony to my growth, sacrifice, and happiness. I feel like I’m getting old, I don’t know why I’m so interested in getting old. Maybe I was born old? I realized that working with a youth team was not my forte. Am I too old and torturing myself?


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