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I want to stop thinking about leaving my husband

I married my husband at the age of 21, now 19 years. For my husband, family life seems to be perfect now, but…

I have the thought of wanting to leave my husband, and I don’t know how to get rid of that thought. I’m not outstandingly beautiful, but I’m young for my age, I don’t wear makeup on brand-name clothes, but I’m still gentle and well-groomed. Our salaries are the same, our incomes are quite good compared to the common ground. Me and my mother-in-law take care of the food and water, my husband does a few things like running the dishwasher, washing machine, taking out the trash… The child is quite good, my child’s eating, sleeping, studying or illness is only taken care of by me. Husband plays with children and takes them to school. Our sex life is compatible.

From the outside, our life was peaceful, but I could not reconcile with my husband and gradually became inhibited. During the years of living with my husband, I encountered many ups and downs. My husband and mother-in-law always tell me that every family has problems, but when there is an incident, it is very difficult for me to go through it alone. I am emotionally alone because I have no family nearby. With my husband and mother-in-law, every incident is blamed on me, the reason is that I behave poorly or indirectly cause trouble.

I tried very hard to live, work and take care of my children but gradually suffered from insomnia and chronic stomach pain. I tried to talk and even write to my husband many times about my problems, things angry with him. I usually only receive a round silence or be scolded by my husband for not being wise, lacking logic, and rarely sympathizing. My husband gave the reason that I learned art from a young age, so I was emotional, and then said that my family was well off, so my wife couldn’t manage.

>> I want to leave my husband but I don’t have the courage

At the age of 40, I found myself physically and mentally exhausted. Looking around, I wonder if all women live with just a stable family? Am I being greedy, wanting too much? I admit that I went from a shy, gentle, clumsy young girl to the strong and cold woman I am now thanks to my husband and in-laws. Through the ups and downs I’ve been a lot stronger, but it bothers me. There are things that I want, but not the way I want. Gradually, I no longer wanted to fight for what I wanted in my family.

I suddenly dreamed of vain things, wanted to have a house even if it was small, but it was my own, not a house like my husband’s. I want to decorate my house the way I want, not paying attention to my husband and mother-in-law. I dream of buying simple furniture in my house, but at my own discretion, using the money I earn for my personal interests, not getting scolded every month for spending little money (even if it’s just to buy things for my children or for exams). buy something new every now and then). I want to use part of the money I earn to take my children to travel a lot instead of investing it all in old age as my husband calculates. I want to do what I like without having to hear my husband nagging that “be careful when you get old, you will be unemployed with that job”.

Last year my father passed away suddenly, I look back on my life for a long time. Dad worked hard all his life, didn’t get anything in the end. During 21 years of leaving my family to go to school and get married, I couldn’t stay with my parents for a single day. I used to dream of exploring the world, going to many places, understanding different cultures. People say I’m crazy, my family is safe and want a divorce. My husband is healthy, in good form, his job is developing, his home is stable, his children are obediently growing old, he promises better finances to take the family out more.

I used to have the desire to divorce from the days when my husband scolded or prevented me from doing the things I really cared about. Then at that time, small families all had problems such as husband’s work, house, and finances. I don’t want to leave him with difficulties and divorce, anyway, the couple in need should have each other. Now is the time when my husband is most stable, my mother-in-law is healthy, I don’t need to worry about him anymore, so I want a divorce.

I just worry about the baby. My husband always uses children to scare me, saying that I am selfish, thinking only for myself but not thinking about my children. When I was young, when I said I wanted a divorce, I cried and said I didn’t want to. Mentioned once, I dare not ask him a second time. I know that if I divorce my children, there will be a lot of pressure.

>> Every day I think I have to leave my husband to be happy

I went to see several psychologists, read some books on Buddhism and psychotherapy. I try to think that if I continue living like this because I’m 40 years old, I don’t think about getting married or falling in love anymore, I will live in peace for inner development. Lately I feel like continuing like this won’t live as long as my husband says to develop myself or enjoy old age. The times my husband scolded me for feeling helpless, sometimes thinking about foolish things.

I don’t know who I should share this with so I can look objectively at this situation. I couldn’t enter the temple for a while because I still needed a salary and a job, and then my children needed to be taken care of. I also don’t want to die, after my father’s death I want to live a good life so as not to help my parents’ birth.

I don’t know how to think clearly. Hope readers share with me.

As

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