I just want to be near my husband’s house, I don’t like living together

I was 36 years old, when I gave birth to a child, I went back to my grandmother’s house to stay for a month and then returned to my mother’s house to ask her to take care of the children to go to work, but my husband still stayed at the boarding house. I work in an office, my monthly salary is about 12 million VND. My husband is a worker, with a monthly salary of 6.5 million VND, he can only afford accommodation and expenses, but cannot help me. His personality is quite childish, no opinion, everything big and small I have to calculate.

The husband sometimes listens to the arrangement of his mother. Her mother-in-law told her that she spent a lot of money for him to study, go to work, then everything failed because he was passionate about games, now works as a worker because he has no degree. He was the eldest son, later had a younger sister who got married. He was pampered by his parents since he was a child, he is the eldest grandson, dependent, not independent. When he comes home from work, he goes to bed to play on the phone, of course when I stay with me, I can still work.

>> Crisis because of in-laws

Recently, my husband’s parents wanted us to work closer to home so that she could take care of the children. I didn’t want to live together, so I found an excuse to stay near my mother’s house. If I have to go back, I will rent a house near, not together, to avoid conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law for the following reasons:

My parents-in-law are over 60 years old, my mother used to stay at home alone because my father was away for work. Everything she decided on her own and had to go according to her will, otherwise she was very uncomfortable, so everyone reluctantly followed. She lived in a way that she had to be luxurious outside, but at home, she was too frugal. For example, after washing vegetables, she poured water into the toilet bowl to flush the toilet, not the lid, and did not use toilet paper. It’s always dark in the house, don’t turn on the lights for fear of wasting electricity. Leftover food, she used to eat it again, not throw it away, cook it over and over again (even when I was pregnant, I had to try to eat it), until I couldn’t eat it anymore, I would cook it for chickens and ducks…

Her house is a cramped, secretive tube house, but she also raises chickens and dogs on the terrace, right above my room, the smell is unbearable, I said but she did not give up. When I gave birth to a nursing home, she did not give me any money. We gave money to help pay for meals, she took and also bought milk for my children. I didn’t hesitate, but she was well-known for taking good care of the bride and buying milk for her grandchildren. My biological mother wanted to come in and play with her, her mother-in-law hinted to me that she was afraid of food and water and as if she didn’t want my mother to come in, I told her not to come anymore.

My husband took a week off because of Covid, said he would come home to play with the children. I gave birth by caesarean for a week, staying up at night to look after the baby was too tired, so I wanted my husband to come back to help. My mother-in-law forced me to call him and told him not to come back, she already had her. While she only took care of food and water, did the laundry, didn’t carry her grandchild so that I could sleep a little. The husband was afraid of his mother, so he did not return. If we live together in the future, Dad will never let him help me with housework and many other things. She always considered me a country person, while she lived in the street, but I find that the standard of living in my hometown is many times better than hers. Many times she hinted that I was lucky to be her bride, in the first year she always pretended to be reputable so that I had to sneak, gradually seeing that I lived a reasonable life, she was more comfortable, because I did not ask or ask for help. what about her.

>> Exhausted from having to feed her mother-in-law

I see that she is a rich person, and her father-in-law is retired but still works part-time. Her grandparents’ income is nearly 20 million per month, but she has no money all day. She wanted us to live together so that she could take care of the children and let her go to work, so all expenses in my family and I had to take care of them. If my husband’s family has no conditions, I have no regrets, I will try my best in my ability, but obviously that is not the case. She lent her daughter a lot of money, but told me and my wife that it was borrowed money. Her brother-in-law is the type of person who supports her mouth and arms, cutting the wind like no one else, mother-in-law is very proud of this daughter.

All day long she talked well about her daughter to me, how good I was, I don’t know, but I didn’t see it that way. She was short of money, I lent her, without me, I would borrow it for her, but she always missed appointments and didn’t say anything. When I gave birth to my son, he did not give him a dime, just gave him some old clothes. On Tet holiday, she did not celebrate my children’s age, but instead, she was happy for the grandchildren and cousins ​​in front of me. I’m not greedy for money, but I see the minimum politeness that you can’t do, and often talk. The mother-in-law only listens to her daughter.

I want to live separately, not to give up my responsibilities to my parents-in-law, but just to avoid unnecessary conflicts. I find that being close enough that I visit my husband’s parents constantly will be much less conflicted. I intend to be decisive from the beginning, it is more difficult to have conflicts and then separate later.

My husband also wanted to live alone, but he didn’t dare to go against my mother’s wishes, so I had to speak up. I also thought about leaving my husband, but I was afraid of not getting custody of both children, so I gave up the divorce option. Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

Phoenix

Readers call 09 6658 1270 (office hours) for support and answer questions