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The dilemma of stepfathers and stepmothers

Living in a married family “episode two”, when there are disagreements about raising children, what will you do if they are not your children?

More than 10 years ago, Lori and David Sims, in the US were on the verge of divorce. Lori has one son from a previous relationship, and David has four. In the second year after marriage, the two had conflicts because Lori felt that David was too spoiled for the children. They also do not listen to her and react when being interfered with in their lives.

To save the relationship, they went to a counselor, but every time Lori complained about her husband’s children, the specialist said, “Lori, they are not your children”. She would say, “I don’t want them to have bad teeth. I don’t want them to be naughty at school.” But no matter how she defended, the expert still answered the same.

Lori snapped after the counseling session, causing the couple to burst out laughing after months of tension. “They’re not my kids. I’m in a cage trying to raise these two-parent kids,” she said.





Lori and David's family used to have conflicts over raising their own children.  Photo: Nachokids

Lori and David’s family used to have conflicts over raising their own children. Image: Nachokids

The counseling session changed the way Lori raised her children. For example, if her stepchild is littering and doesn’t clean up, she can ask David to clean up. If she is busy, she can ask her husband to cook for the children or he can ask them to make their own. She no longer worries about her husband’s children having done the housework or completing the homework and refrains if she doesn’t agree with the way David behaves with her children…

The words of the expert “They are not your children”, helped Lori and her husband form the theory of Nacho kids (short for the phrase “Nacho kids”). Not your kids). This is a method of stepping back from situations that cause tension between you and your spouse.

When you feel “out of control” you actually have ultimate control. This term helps them de-stress and focus on the task at hand, creating and raising a successful mixed family.

Lori and her husband started a blog about this method, then a Facebook group, which now has more than 20,000 members and eventually Nacho Kids Academywhere they instruct parents on the method, the first step being role separation raise up childas she did many years ago.

“They are not your children legally, biologically. This is not an insult but a fact,” Lori said. But that does not mean ignoring stepchildren, but should treat them like the children of a friend, or niece, nephew.

Families with stepchildren have a long history of being almost as long as traditional families. “Women die in childbirth, men die at work. Life is short and in order to survive, one must find a replacement,” said Lawrence Ganong, emeritus professor of development. person at the University of Missouri, USA, who has studied families with children for decades, said.

For most of human history, step parents do the same duties as the deceased parent. In the 1970s, the number of stepparents began to increase even more. The insiders themselves and even the biological parents expect the step-parent to raise the stepchild like a biological child. Parents who are not satisfied with their spouse’s parenting style often try to jump in and mold it to their liking.

“That causes problems for many families with stepchildren. Nine out of 10 often backfire,” says Laura Petherbridge, a consultant for families with children.

Many parents also said that stepchildren do not listen to them or the other biological parent opposes to teach their children, so these people have responsibility but no weight. Marty Samelak, who has three biological children and two stepchildren, said both he and his wife were “ruffled” when the other criticized their biological children.

“If I ever say anything about her kids that’s a little too close to negative, it’s going to cause a fight. If she says something about my kids, I get really defensive. ‘ said Marty.

Trying to be a “parent” without a strong bond can make even simple tasks impossible. For example, when Maarit Miller prepares lunch for her stepdaughter, she doesn’t eat. When her husband gave exactly these dishes, she ate them again. She saw that she wasn’t ready to open up to her yet. “It’s come to realize that trying to raise kids is taking them further away from you. The most loving way I can contribute to my family is to take a step back,” she says.

The term nacho is now popular on parenting forums, but is still controversial. Natasha Brown, a mother of nine children – one adopted, six stepson and two biological, knows how difficult mixed family life can be, but is not supportive of nachos.

“If you marry that guy, you’ve accepted to be the mother of those kids. And if you don’t give them your heart, get out of their lives,” Brown said. In her opinion, the fact that children “accept” their stepfather stepmother doesn’t make sense, because they are always against their biological parents.





Lori's happy family since the practice of changing parenting views.  Photo: Nachokids

Lori’s happy family since the practice of changing parenting views. Image: Nachokids

On the contrary, some even consider their stepchildren as their own. Diane Roy was so close to one of her sons-in-law that she gave her a sapphire ring as a pledge of mother-daughter relationship. She just wanted to be her baby’s real mother, but couldn’t build such a relationship with all of her husband’s children.

A study has shown that stepfathers who consider stepchildren as biological children are twice as likely as step mothers, partly because they live with normal children, while biological fathers are more absent than biological mothers. Kirsten van Houdt, a postdoctoral researcher at the Swedish Institute of Social Research, says that motherhood is more of a “burden” than fatherhood, because society’s expectations of mothers are higher. compared to the father. Van Houdt’s findings confirm that the roots of parenting are not just biological or legal, but can be rooted in responsibilities themselves.

To this point, Lori Sims gives evidence of her family. Her marriage survived. Her stepchildren are now grown and successful. Her relationship with them is healthy and warm.

“If we know how to step back, if we know how to keep our mouth shut, we can learn how to build a relationship with our children. Anyone can do it like me, but don’t give up,” Lori said.

Bao Nhien (According to Atlantic)

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