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Psychologist: 7 small skills that make up the great stature of children in the future

When I began my career teaching special children, most of my students lived in poverty, were abused, or had learning disabilities, emotional or physical disabilities. I want to find a way to help them succeed.

As an educational psychologist, I have learned a very important lesson: Healthy growth is made, not born. Children need a safe and loved childhood, but they also need autonomy, competence, and agency to thrive.

After going through a lot of research on the traits that are most relevant to optimizing children’s development, I have identified 7 skills children need to increase mental toughness , resilience, social competence, self-awareness and moral strength – and they are what distinguishes successful and shining kids from other normal kids.

1. Confidence

Most parents equate self-esteem with confidence. They tell their kids, “You’re special” or “You can be anything you want to be.”

But there is little evidence that raising self-esteem increases academic success or genuine happiness. However, studies have shown that children who consider their grades to be the result of their own efforts and strengths are more successful than children who believe they have no control over their academic performance.

True confidence is the result of you doing well, facing obstacles, creating solutions, and overcoming them yourself. Fixing problems for them or doing tasks for them will only make them think, “They don’t believe they can do it.”

Children with confidence know that they can fail but can also bounce back and that’s why they have to free themselves from indecision or dependence on their parents.

Psychologists: 7 small skills that create a child's great stature in the future - Life's path is favorable or bumpy, happy or hard, from here!  - Photo 1.

2. Empathy

The power of this emotion falls into three categories: emotional empathy, when we share the feelings of others and feel their emotions; behavioral empathy, when empathic concern motivates us to act with compassion; and cognitive empathy, when we understand other people’s thoughts or know from their perspective to see problems.

Children need an emotional vocabulary to develop empathy. Here are ways parents can teach their children that:

Label emotions: intentionally contextual naming of emotions to help build emotional vocabulary: “I’m happy!” “You look upset.”

Make a question: “How do you feel about what just happened?” “You look scared. Are you right?” Help your child realize that any feelings he or she has are normal. The way we choose to present them is what can get us into trouble.

Share feelings: Children need opportunities to safely express their feelings. Create that space by sharing your own feelings: “She’s a little cranky because she doesn’t sleep much.” “I’m a bit disappointed with this book.”

Pay attention to others: Point out the faces and body language of people at the library or park: “How do you think he feels?” “Have you ever felt like this?”

3. Autonomy

The ability to control attention, emotions, thoughts, actions, and desires is one of the most highly correlated strengths for success – and a surprisingly untapped secret to helping you succeed. Children recover and grow.

One way to teach children self-control is to give them cues. Some children have difficulty shifting focus between activities. That’s why teachers use “attention cues,” such as ringing a bell or verbal cues: “Put down your pencils, look at the board!”

Develop a signal, practice together and then wait for attention! “I need your attention in a minute”, “Are you ready to hear me?”

Another technique is to use tension pauses. Slow down to give them time to think. Teach your kids a “pause reminder” to remind them to stop and think before they act:

“If you’re angry, count to 10 before you answer.”

“When you’re not sure about something: Stop, think, and stay calm.”

Psychologists: 7 small skills that create a child's great stature in the future - Life's path is favorable or bumpy, happy or hard, from here!  - Photo 2.

4. Integrity

Integrity is a set of learned beliefs, competencies, attitudes, and skills that create a moral compass that children can use to help them know – and do – what is right.

Setting our own expectations is a huge part, but it’s equally important to give them space to develop their own ethical identities alongside (or separate from) our expectations. .

It’s also important to acknowledge and praise ethical behavior when your child exhibits it so that they realize that you value the behavior. Praise, then describe the action so your child knows what they did to get recognition.

Using the word “because” makes your praise more specific: “You showed me integrity because you didn’t participate in spreading those rumours.” “You showed me integrity by keeping your promise to go with your friend even if you had to give up your good night’s sleep.”

5. Curiosity

Curiosity is the recognition, pursuit, and desire to explore novel, challenging, and uncertain facts.

To help children develop curiosity, I like to use toys, gadgets and open-ended games. Give them colors, thread, and calculators so they can create their own creations. Or bring out super soft curling irons and paper clips and challenge your child to see how many novel ways they can use them.

Another approach is to model curiosity. Instead of saying “Probably won’t,” try “Let’s see what happens!” Instead of giving an answer, ask: “What do you think?” “How do you know?” “How do you know that?”

Finally, when you’re reading a book, watching a movie, or simply walking past someone, use a curious question like “I don’t know…”: “Where is she going? “. “Why would they do that?” “I wonder what will happen next?”

Psychologists: 7 small skills that create a child's great stature in the future - Life's path is favorable or bumpy, happy or hard, from here!  - Photo 3.

6. Persistence

Persistence helps children keep going when everything else makes it easier for us to give up.

Mistakes can derail a child on the path towards a goal. So don’t let your kids take their problems seriously. Instead, help them overcome and identify their stumbling blocks.

Some kids give up because they feel overwhelmed with “all their problems” or “all their assignments”. Breaking down tasks into smaller chunks helps kids who have trouble learning to focus or get started.

For example, you can teach your daughter to “divide” by covering all of her math problems with a sheet of paper, except for the top row. Lower the sheet of paper to the next row as the question in each row is completed.

Older children can write each exercise on a piece of paper, in order of difficulty, and do one thing at a time. Encourage them to do the hardest thing first so they don’t stress about it all night. Confidence and perseverance will be built as children complete the more difficult or important sections on their own.

7. Optimism

Optimistic kids see challenges and obstacles as temporary and surmountable, so they’re more likely to succeed.

But there is a completely opposite view: pessimism. Pessimistic children see challenges as permanent, like blocks of cement that cannot be moved, and so they are more likely to give up.

Teaching children to be optimistic starts with us. Children see our words as their inner voice, so over the next few days, tailor your typical messages and evaluate the perspectives you offer them.

On average, would you say you are more of a pessimist or an optimist? You often describe things in a positive or negative way; good or bad; through a pink or gray prism? Do your friends and family say the same about you?

If you find yourself leaning more towards the negative side, remember that change begins with looking in the mirror. If you’re feeling pessimistic, it’s helpful to write about why it’s helpful to be more optimistic.

Change is hard work, but it’s important that you set an example of what you want your child to learn.

The author of this article is Michele Borba, an educational psychologist, parenting expert and author of “Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine” and “UnSelfie: Why” Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About Me World”.

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