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Standards must begin with words

Parents need to create a positive experience that encourages helping children, rather than demeaning their children’s dignity and respect. Children misbehave because they are not properly encouraged.

Injured children

In the process of raising children, parents inevitably scold their children because they are too angry. However, many parents consider scolding as a strict way of educating their children to obey. They think that scolding their children is normal, and every parent scolds their child out of love. But, in reality, there’s a huge difference between a child who gets yelled at often and doesn’t.

A study by Harvard Medical School (USA) once found that children who were often scolded and insulted by their parents had an average IQ of 112. This figure was 12 points lower than those of children. free from verbal violence.

According to experts, in psychology, there is a phenomenon called “suggestion effect”. When parents scold their children, they will bring negative psychological suggestions to the child. If they continue like this, children gradually internalize these negative judgments into their own judgments, until they become “naughty children”, “stupid” as judged by their parents.

The Dubai Foundation for Women and Children (DFWC) also conducted a survey on this issue. The results showed that one-quarter of children faced a situation where their parents yelled and yelled at them violently. These children always feel fear and anxiety at home. Among them, about 8% of children shared that this often happens to them.

Many parents often think that yelling and threatening their children is the most powerful “weapon” so that children can correct their mistakes and stop messing around. However, this method of education is not effective for young children.

Family education: Standards must begin with words - Photo 1.

When they are no longer afraid of making mistakes, children will not hide or lie. Illustration.

Aisha Al Midfa, head of research at the DFWC Foundation, advises that parents should not be too abusive to yell at their children. Because this behavior does not cause immediate consequences, but the negative psychological effects will last long and be difficult to improve.

Child psychologist Phan Linh said that a child’s physiological response to an event that happens too quickly, too soon or too much (for example, when being yelled at and yelled at by parents) can divided into 3 directions.

The first case is that the child will be hyperactive, aggressive, unable to sit down, constantly moving. Children will also scan the environment for danger, get startled easily, get angry quickly, can’t stand still…, or run away from situations and go back to “fight” with adults .

Meanwhile, other children will fall into a state of immobility, feel tired, and lack motivation. Even when performing simple daily tasks, children find it too difficult and boring. Children are always quiet, do not stand up for themselves, are not interested in anything… Many children will react by being silly, making jokes to make people laugh, expressing themselves well, trying hard settle conflicts. However, children will have difficulty self-healing or setting healthy boundaries.

Besides, children can also go from one state to another. Specifically, from acting nice to reacting to fighting (screaming, getting angry) and then freezing (usually because of shame/guilty) on the same day.

“Children do not choose to do those things on their own, it happens on their own as a defense response in the nervous system. When there are events / events that bring a feeling of danger and fear, the nervous system does not have time to process the vital energies mobilized in this moment. This creates a regulation in the nervous system and the brain/body will stay awake, long after the event is over. We often think of trauma as something serious and scary. In fact, it is due to the nervous system losing the ability to adjust when such big or scary events are caused,” explained expert Phan Linh.

According to this expert, trauma can be caused by a one-time event (accident, medical intervention) and what is known as “shock trauma”. However, it can also be due to the little things that happen on a daily basis in a child’s life. This includes children having to grow up with parents who are often stressed, yelling, and violent. Or, growing up without a loving connection. This condition is called “developed trauma”.

However, according to Ms. Phan Linh, parents need to know that trauma is something we cannot avoid in life, but it is not a “life sentence”.

“We all experience some type of trauma in our lives, but it’s important to remember that our bodies are also built with the ability to heal themselves. We can support our nervous system towards better regulation and find more comfort and positivity in our daily lives and relationships.

We may have been wrong when we hurt our children, but we can still go back to connect, help, listen, understand, empathize, empathize, and adjust with our children, “said the expert. strong. The problem is said to be more serious when parents leave the child to self-correct, or parents continue to make mistakes without realizing the mistake to correct.

Family education: Standards must begin with words - Photo 2.

Children tend to “defend themselves” from scolding. Illustration.

Do not cover up the wrong

“All people, including children, deserve dignity and respect. It is important to create a positive experience that encourages helping children, rather than one that creates humiliation, loss of dignity and respect. Children who misbehave are children who are not properly encouraged. Children need guidance so they don’t feel the need to misbehave. Do not embarrass them or humiliate them, make them feel depressed, thereby causing misconduct,” the expert advised.

According to Ms. Phan Linh, humiliation and shame are not positive motivations. Ms. Linh cites that over the past decade, a number of child-related professionals (such as pediatricians, psychiatrists and social workers) have formally adopted opposing views on spanking, entice or humiliate children in any way. These experts drew attention to research that demonstrates that the long-term harm to children far outweighs the immediate benefits of controlling behavior through punishment.

“We used to have the crazy idea that, in order for children to do better, we must first make them feel worse at it. The truth is that children do better when they feel better, not when they are depressed about themselves.

According to Ms. Phan Linh, children are not always cute, obedient, hardworking, neat, clean and obedient. However, adults need to try to patiently look at the positive for encouragement. Then, gradually, children will have more opportunities to grow up with positivity and confidence. In particular, parents need to understand that acknowledging their child’s positive points does not mean denying or covering up the wrong. Young children need to learn about limits and discipline according to age and perception. From there, gradually self-regulate behavior, behave properly and ensure the principles of the family and society.

Experts say, when a child is no longer afraid of making mistakes, they will not hide, lie. At that time, children dare to face problems to find solutions, instead of being discouraged or waiting in weariness.

“There are people who just look at the weaknesses and mistakes of others to gloat. And we see ourselves as just a slow student, a lousy friend, a careless colleague, a terrible mother and father. Around no one allows us to be right. I also blame myself for making too many mistakes. Life is a game. But it is very real and also requires a fair amount of honesty. Who doesn’t make mistakes? Can’t think and live forever with those mistakes?”, Ms. Phan Linh shared.

Experts say that parents should apply the principle of blue ink with their children. The principle was introduced by child psychologist Tatiana Ivanko. In the process of teaching and correcting her children’s lessons, this female expert used blue ink to circle the words children wrote well and beautifully, instead of red ink to cross out the words that children wrote incorrectly or failed. Therefore, parents are encouraged to focus on the positive points of the child and find ways to develop and repeat it.

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