The burden of ‘children take care of children, old people take care of grandchildren’

The reason, she said, was because she had to “put her feet on her neck” to follow the modern pace of life of her children and grandchildren. Her son and daughter-in-law are both businessmen, leaving early and leaving late. Every day, Mrs. Ly gets up at 6 a.m., feeds the child, does the laundry, cleans the house, and prepares lunch. In the afternoon, when I slept, she used to make food for dinner. At four o’clock, she went to pick up her oldest child from kindergarten. In the evening, we continue to cook, feed the children, bathe and clean up, ending at 9pm.

“Every day has the same work, but I can’t rest my hands all the time. Friends in the countryside invite me back many times for meetings, but I can’t go back,” she said.

Working continuously with low blood pressure, Mrs. Ly once fainted because of low blood sugar twice. Despite her husband’s urging to return home, she still stayed with the reason “it’s expensive in the city to take care of children, if you hire strangers, it’s not safe when they’re too young”. Tired, but she told herself to try to help her children and grandchildren.

Not willingly for her descendants like Mrs. Ly, for three years now, Ms. Van, 67 years old, from Bac Ninh, reluctantly went to Hanoi to take care of her second grandchild for her son. She had a fierce conflict with her daughter-in-law when taking care of her first grandchild, so when her son asked her to “take care of her for help”, she refused.

“The city has billions of things to spend, and there’s still money to rent, I don’t know who else to rely on, but my mother,” the only son said over the phone, forcing Mrs. Van to carry a suitcase with her grandson. As expected, the child made the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law even more tense. They often disagree on issues of raising young children.

At mealtimes, she often lets the children watch cartoons so they can sit still and not run around, but her daughter-in-law complains that it’s not good for the children’s health. “My daughter-in-law never feeds her children, so how can I understand how naughty the two children are,” said Mrs. Van.

Vietnam has not had any specific research or statistics on the phenomenon of grandparents taking care of their grandchildren, but in fact, this number is not small. The latest survey by the Institute of Population, Health and Development published in 2020 shows that about 61% of the elderly nationwide are living with at least one biological child. Living together and looking after grandchildren to help children is almost inevitable.

The study “Aging population and elderly people in Vietnam” by the General Statistics Office in 2021 said that Vietnam currently has about 11.4 million elderly people, 35% of which are still working to generate income, the rest are self-employed and unpaid family workers, including taking care of grandchildren.

“There are grandparents who have just retired, even having to retire early to take care of their grandchildren in place of their children. At the age where they should be resting and relaxing, they are forced to live again and again a life stage that people call it. is raising children for the second time,” said psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa. According to him, the desire to protect their children, the thought of “helping to save money or money” and the mentality of “having to work to not be considered useless” make many elderly people put aside their personal desires, spend time for the next generation.

With many Elderlychildcare may not be a big deal, what worries them more are the complaints of their children and the loneliness of being in a strange place.

Not long ago, because she was late to pick up her grandchildren at school, Mrs. Nguyen Hoai, living in Ha Dong, Hanoi was grumpy by her daughter-in-law in the middle of the road. When she returned home and calmed her anger, the daughter-in-law clarified: “I have no bad intentions, just saying so that she can remember it for a long time, next time don’t make it.”

Because of this, Hoai’s family encountered turbulence. At a family meeting later, the 70-year-old woman shared that she always tries to take good care of her grandchildren, but old age cannot avoid forgetting and forgetting. “When I first moved to Hanoi, I had to adapt to my children’s thinking. But it was really difficult, sometimes I felt very lonely,” she sighed.

Every time she calls home, Hoai’s husband, who is alone in the countryside, often tells his wife where to go, who to talk to. Last year, when Covid-19 broke out in Hanoi, afraid of bringing the disease back to him, she did not dare to return to her hometown for half a year, even though only 50 km apart. Being alone, eating and drinking through speakers, the husband’s health went down. Once he had high blood pressure and fell in the bathroom, requiring dozens of stitches. Being apart for a long time, both are sad, but still encouraging each other, waiting for the strong grandson and then the husband and wife reunite.

Psychologist Nguyen Thi Tam, Center for Training and Application of Psychological Science of Soul Viet (HCMC) said that elderly people like Hoai must have a voice in the family and have free time. “Instead of letting grandparents take care of their grandchildren, they should take the initiative to send their children to school, or hire the right people. Ỷ It’s really unfilial to take care of their children in the love of their parents,” said Ms. Tam.

According to the female expert, everyone has their own life. However, many children still think that retirement means grandparents have free time and have nothing to do…so they try their best to take advantage, even relying on the kindness of their parents, to leave their children alone because thinking “had grandparents to take care of”. This is a false and selfish view.

“Young people before giving birth should be fully prepared in terms of health and economy… to ensure the best care for their children, instead of relying on their parents. If they don’t prepare well, they won’t be in a hurry to have children.” Mrs. Tam offers advice.

Psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa said that old age should be rested and lived happily. However, for families with limited economic conditions, if they need help from grandparents, they must consider their psychology as well as their health. “Looking after grandchildren must be based on the spirit of joy, the love of grandparents for them, not a responsibility,” Mr. Hoa affirmed.

According to the expert, if grandparents are healthy and happy to take care of their grandchildren, they should only be assigned to a certain time frame, giving them free time to rest. If your grandparents don’t have a pension or don’t have a lot of money, give them a small amount. “Not everyone agrees to receive money to look after their grandchildren, but it is the right thing to do,” said the expert, this way helps the elderly to be more active economically when their income is limited.

Although not really clear, but in the past few years, researchers have noticed a change in the views of the elderly: When they are old, they are determined not to replace their children and take care of their grandchildren.

Research “Role of the elderly in aging Vietnamese society” by Assoc.Prof.Dr. Tran Thi Minh Thi, Director of Family and Gender Research, performed on more than 300 elderly people living in Ninh Binh and 500 people in Da Nang, showing that the rate of living with children decreased from nearly 80% in 1993 to 28% in 2017. Meanwhile, the percentage of living with a partner increased from 9.5% to 50.4%.

The survey results of the Institute of Sociology, Vietnam Academy of Social Sciences in 2020 on the criteria of happy families in Ho Chi Minh City give a remarkable figure: Only 54% of the elderly are satisfied with living together in a family of three or more generations.

“I’m old and definitely can’t take good care of children. Moreover, parents who help their children will depend on them,” said Ms. Bui Thi Yen, 60, from Ho Chi Minh City.

This woman thinks that her whole life has worked hard, and when she retires, she just wants to relax next to her husband. For her, the elderly’s life should not revolve around the child’s small family, because “whoever child he or she has to take care of”.

When her son and daughter-in-law considered having a second child last year, Yen advised them to think carefully: “Having two children, life will be twice as fun but twice as hard.” However, her children were still determined to have more children.

Yen found a nanny and paid half of her 7 million dong salary to support her children, instead of spending all her time with the children.

Hai Hien