Psychological conflicts when teenagers with parents: How to resolve?

I used to agree with my children on principles such as not to automatically open parents’ wallets/bags; Going out must notify the return time, not late after 11 o’clock; be friends with anyone, but let your parents know who they are; Children can dress whatever they want as long as the money for the clothes does not exceed the amount parents spend for them; No matter how busy you are, you have to visit your grandparents every week… Parents and children agreed and it was taken quite seriously.

However, there were still unexpected conflicts that occurred between me and my children. My husband and I studied abroad together, graduating from a prestigious school in Europe. In the past, I also took the scholarship exam myself and since then, my career has achieved certain success. Therefore, my family has some savings, although not much, for our children and wants to create an initial future for them.

However, my eldest son doesn’t think so. He participates in tutoring classes and earns his own money to do the things he likes. Going to school today is not as simple as in the past, there are many exercises and many extra-curricular subjects, and the time is very tight, so I do not agree to send my children to tutoring, especially because the family situation is not lacking in anything.

Every time I see my child tired and come home late at night, my heart aches. I’m sorry for you infinitely. So, I tried my best to convince him not to be a tutor anymore. It is enough to say that children should focus on their studies, parents take care of everything. I didn’t listen, it said “I want to be independent. I want to do what I love.”

“Then you just do what you like, just don’t let me worry like that.”

Seeing that my child was thin and weak, I was even more worried. Saying she can’t, I relied on some relatives who have social influence, but she still didn’t give up her idea. One day, a group of my children’s friends came to visit, I asked them to tell me more about it, that my parents didn’t want me to work hard as a tutor. Thought it was a good thing for me, but that night, she got angry at me, saying out loud “why are you going to tell my friends that I gave up being a tutor. I’m not a 3 year old kid anymore. Mom let me be an adult. I hate it when you treat me like a child…”

For the first time, she raised her voice at me, and even spoke at the time of guests. I feel ashamed and disappointed. After the guests returned, I refrained from analyzing them, but she still insisted, “Don’t say that you love me. Mother imposed yes. Honorable mother has…”

I am angry. Oh my god, turns out I love him but he told me so. I am really worried when my child is busy with tutoring and neglects his studies. I’m not mature enough to know what’s good or bad if I keep doing this.

The months of living during that time made me emaciated with loss of appetite and sleeplessness. Thank goodness it’s over, things are better now but I’m in conflict with my second son. The younger brother is a different type from his older brother. It doesn’t want to study at all, just wants to play games and struggle with traveling with the game addicts out there.

I advised him many times, but he argued, “I still study enough so that I don’t double classes, Mom. I didn’t do anything wrong.” Granted, it’s not a taboo violation, but 2 pairs of eyes have reached the level of near 8 diopters because of the game. Granted, it’s not wrong, but with my study ability, I was able to reach the top 3 of my class and now I’m always in the middle of the class. Going to school did not have a full notebook to take notes. The pen isn’t even there. Clothes are always messy. His hair is left long like a dusty man. All my relatives are shy, and I am exhausted from disappointment. In the past, when he was in primary school, he was at the top of the school, everyone praised him for being obedient, good at studying, and handsome.

It took me some time to consult many experts, read books and attend the course “shortening the gap between generations”. From there, many valuable lessons can be drawn. I have succeeded in actively bridging the psychological gap between mother and children. No longer being harsh in arguing with children, giving them more gentle suggestions, and participating in extracurricular activities with them. In particular, there is no longer the notion that children must be determined to study well to enter university as before. I have absorbed and adjusted to life’s renewal. Realize that, if you are really passionate about creating games, you can also do programming, if you consider it the right thing to do and you know how to take responsibility for what you do, that’s ok.

I spend more time talking, grasping the changes, thoughts, aspirations, interests of my children. On the one hand, respect your child’s preferences, and at the same time firmly state his point of view, that he must be responsible for his own actions. Children can play games but must not affect their studies, do not do anything that affects the family. In addition, I have a close relationship with the school, with the parent committee to direct my children into positive activities, creating external bonds to help them when needed. I have realized the development of the body, psychophysiology of my child at puberty and have appropriate behavior, so I am no longer as stressed and sad as before.