Scientists did an experiment. They found two 3-year-olds doing brain scans. One child is often praised, the other is often scolded. As a result, the resulting images are very different. Children who get yelled at have significantly smaller brains. The smaller the brain volume, the less intellectual development.
Dr. Martin Techer from Harvard Medical School also found: “Children who are regularly scolded, insulted, and cursed by their parents have an average IQ of 112, 12 points lower than those children who grow up to have an average IQ of 112. free from verbal violence”.
“Screaming is a way to release anger, but it’s not an effective way to change behavior,” says Laura Markham, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting, said. When a child is scared, they go into fight-or-flight mode and the learning centers of the brain close.
The fight-or-flight response occurs when people experience something that tells the brain that it’s intimidation. For example, children cannot learn when you raise your voice because the brain tells them that the person shouting is a threat.
“Communication, calm and gentle communication helps children feel safe, making them better receptive to the lesson you are teaching,” says Dr. Markham.
In psychology there is a phenomenon called the “suggestion effect”. When parents scold their children, they will bring negative psychological suggestions to their children. If this continues, children gradually internalize these negative judgments into their own judgments, until they become “naughty children” and “stupid children” like their parents. .
In another study conducted on many families with children over 13 years old, it was found that, when parents often scold and punish their children, they will have more tendencies to oppose and perform negative behaviors. affect yourself and those around you.
Some children after adulthood will be able to use rough language to communicate and behave with others. Even when young married, there will be a high tendency to apply this method of education to their children.
When being scolded by parents no matter what they do, children will feel pressure from their parents, to protect themselves, children begin to live in isolation and no longer have the desire to explore the outside world.
No matter what decisions children make, they don’t think about themselves first, but only care about what their parents and other people think of them, become indecisive, often miss opportunities or fail to do it. what.
So how to teach children without yelling?
1. You can criticize, but you shouldn’t criticize
A mother who threw toys around because of her children scolded her: “I told you a hundred times, toys must be cleaned, why don’t you listen?”. Once, the child couldn’t help but say: “Every day I finish playing, I know how to clean up, Mom”. The mother saw her son arguing, so she scolded and slapped her. From then on the child does not pick up the toys anymore.
For your child’s misbehavior, evaluate them objectively, fairly, and without being critical. Parents can completely evaluate children in a different way. “You haven’t picked up your toys today. Yesterday you did a great job, cleaned up very neatly. I hope you continue to promote today and the next time.”
2. Listen to the child’s needs
Behind every child’s behavior there is a corresponding motivation. When children have “problematic” behaviors, parents should ask themselves: “Why does the child do this?”, “What does the child really want?” Only by listening to the child’s inner voice and understanding the real need can parents “prescribe” the right medicine and solve the problem in a fundamental way.
3. Equality with children
In parent-child communication, parents should actively lower their attitudes and maintain equality with their children. Only then will children open their hearts to their parents, and at the same time, the educational philosophies of parents will be more easily accepted by their children.
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