Superficially secure relationships in the family: Get out quickly

Have you ever felt: With the closest spouse, there is no quarrel, no conflict, but there is no intimacy like other couples? Everything is secret to the extreme but not a reasonable reason to divorce?

This isn’t necessarily burnout after a long relationship, but it could be “fake intimacy.” To put it more easily, it is deliberately “avoiding closeness in relationships”.
How can “fake intimacy” happen?

The term “fake intimacy” is also mentioned many times in the movies. It re-enacts the fact that although the two are physically close, they are avoiding close intimacy with each other.

This type of relationship is not uncommon and if we look closely at the people around, it is very likely that they are lying in this state without saying it.

In fact, it is not difficult to recognize false intimacy in any couple. Because only when an unexpected situation occurs, looking at their reactions, it will be clear whether their feelings for each other are sincere or not.

In effect, the relationship is a compromise on both sides: using superficial closeness to avoid real closeness. You can appear close to your husband in front of outsiders and vice versa.

In theory, “false intimacy” is a defense mechanism – two people are working together against a state of true intimacy that requires both parties to be in harmony, to be happy together.

So why would anyone want to hide from true intimacy?

A lot of times we are afraid of “caring about someone” or “someone else important to us”. Because true intimacy is demonstrated by mutual affection, sharing, and commitment. But these are the risks of emotional investing, and when we care about someone, we run the risk of getting hurt.

“Pseudo-intimacy” is a defense mechanism that helps us fight our fears and anxieties, making us feel “safe” in a relationship and not lose control.

Because in this relationship, both emotional and behavioral reactions are completely predictable, freeing us from the complications that come with true intimacy.

Therefore, some psychologists suggest that in “false soulmates” we are in a state of “emotional confinement”, where both parties have reached an unconscious agreement – to maintain the relationship. fake feelings for each other. This confinement appears to be together but denies a deep emotional connection, essentially a separation.

Take a husband and wife relationship as an example: Some people say that they love you and care about you flawlessly. But in reality, only you can see clearly if they really care about you or they are just fulfilling their role.

“Pseudo-intimacy” takes many forms: Sometimes the behavior depends on the other’s needs (the receiver dominates), or sometimes the receiver depends on what the other person gives (the giver dominates). ).

But either way, both parties in a relationship are equally bound and they must voluntarily feel “the world is safe”.

So, in a sense, “fake intimacy” also harms family life. Because the practice of intimacy is indisputable. If you are unfortunate enough to meet a partner who has long been accustomed to fake intimacy, you will certainly feel helpless and confused: Why would they do that?

Studies have shown that “fake intimacy” is a very “contagious” pattern of behavior.

If you lived and grew up in a home environment where moms committed to fake intimacy, you’ll find that they never argue, avoid arguments, and always smile even when they’re angry.

Such people will never express their love to each other carefree and spontaneously. They never clashed and they politely respected each other.

The whole family is always in a state of harmony but somewhat awkward. Children who grow up in such families will have thought, marriage, and love just pre-programmed interactions.

The “three-factor theory of love” written by American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg proposes that true and healthy love includes: passion, commitment, and intimacy, all three of which must be comes from the heart.

Passion is clearly not programmed and intimacy needs to be built. This is why “fake intimacy” goes against the path of true love.

This superficially “safe” relationship can sink people for a long time, but it can cause serious problems if left untreated.

Because of this, many people have some feeling of “fake intimacy”, but they don’t want to think about it carefully and are even reluctant to accept it just to get compliments from others.

When one of the partners becomes unbearable and begins to crave real intimacy, they will find a way to stop or change.

The fragility of “false intimacy” is that as long as one party shows signs of wanting to stop, it will be very difficult for the other party to accept because the seemingly stable surface harmony will be torn apart in an instant, “the balance by symbiosis” was destroyed.

Determined to “break the rules” is easy to fall into danger, but that is the price to pay.

If you find yourself falling into a cycle of “fake intimacy” that repeats itself in every relationship, get out of it quickly, otherwise your life will be just a meaningless existence.

According to Young Knowledge