My father’s passing made me suffer a lot

I am a man, 25 years old, working in an office, born and raised in a poor rural area. My childhood was as if there was no joy, a lot of suffering and tears, poverty was always attached to my family. Dad was always at a loss in business whether working at home or outside, owed too much to the bank, was constantly being asked for debt. The two brothers had to leave school early because they could not afford the tuition. The atmosphere in the house is always closed and extreme, so it often causes friction and conflict between parents. Every time we ate, there was a fight in my house. Time and time again I saw my father crying because he was helpless, and my mother crying because of pain. It left a big wound in my heart, at an age when I should be able to play carefree.

I was lucky to be able to continue my studies, my studies were also quite good, and then I entered university. The day I left my hometown to go to the city to study at university, thinking that the future would be better, my father fell ill in his sophomore year. Seeing my father suffering from illness, I suffered a lot, led a closed life, myself exhausted both physically and mentally, with no one to share. I immersed myself in the game of forgetting the present, my studies relentlessly declined, I was like a soulless person. It was supposed to be a time of passionate youth, self-improvement and expanding relationships, but I saw only pain, tears and despair. Every day I look forward to a miracle, hoping that time doesn’t pass, but then whatever happens is bound to come.

Now, three years after my father’s death, I have a steady job, a good income, but I always feel empty. I don’t suffer from depression such as not eating, lack of sleep or wanting to run away but can’t find joy in life. Hobbies, the things that used to make me happy seem to have disappeared. I’ve always found life to be boring and meaningless when things that many people enjoy such as socializing, hanging out and drinking or virtual living on social networks seem bland to me. I also don’t want to have a high position, to be this man or woman, to have great wealth to show those around me.

I have no close friends to share with, and no one wants to be friends with someone like me. Relatives do not understand and do not consider me. I have never been in love with anyone, sometimes I want someone to love me, but today’s modern society attaches great importance to formality, I am tired of the standards and love of today’s youth, which is dominated by the internet. social and many other negative things. .

Every day I have to wear a mask to work, try to act normal, socialize and laugh with coworkers. I am not very passionate about work, sitting for eight hours a day, I feel like a robot programmed into a big machine. It made me more tired but still have to accept, many times tears fell on the table. I’ve always wanted to escape from this noisy and busy society to return to my peaceful hometown, but now I can’t afford it and I don’t know what to do to live.

For the first two years since my father’s death, I burst into tears. I’m neither sad nor happy, I don’t seem to have feelings for anything, my heart seems to be running out of energy, seeing life through a gray curtain. Am I going to live like this for the rest of my life, how do I deal with my current situation?

Soldier

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