Thought adultery – VnExpress Life

The 32-year-old woman, in Cau Giay, Hanoi feels that means the man in her dreams comes to life. “You meet all the criteria of an ideal husband I once hoped to get,” she said.

Once, Minh Anh was running when he fell because he stepped on a shoelace. The man running behind helped her back to the stone bench and then ran to buy bandages for her to clean the wound. After that meal, the two sometimes bump into each other while jogging, chatting carefree.

“He is tall, has a six-pack body, and talks calmly, not compensating for the old man with a big belly at home,” she said. One day, when Minh Anh woke up, he realized he was hugging him in a dream. Sometimes frustrated by her grumpy husband, she wishes she had a gentle, psychological husband like him.

Master of psychology La Linh Nga confirmed that the current manifestations in Ms. Minh Anh are ideological adultery.

“It can be understood that ideological infidelity is when a person has a love vibration with someone other than his/her wife/husband. That vibe only exists in the mind, not expressed in actions”, she analyzed.

Cases like Minh Anh are very common in society. Linh Nga cited research with 90,000 men and women, in 2018, showing that 78.6% of men and 91.6% of women admitted to ideological infidelity. It usually occurs when a person has problems in their marriage. In addition, people with romantic souls and daydreaming are also more likely to have feelings for people who are not partners. Even an actor, a character in a love story, a guy you accidentally meet on the street can become an imaginary lover.

“It reflects the desire to escape from the boring reality, lack of affection. Sometimes having those moments of daydreaming will help us to be more comfortable, to feel loved, to be romantic,” she said.

Ideological infidelity stems from emotional problems of both sides. A 2017 survey of 5,000 Britons by Dr David Marjoribanks found that the top 5 reasons for ideological infidelity in women were lack of emotional closeness (84%), lack of communication between partners. (75%), fatigue (32%), bad history of sex or abuse (26%) and lack of interest in relationship with current partner (23%). For men, it was caused by lack of communication between partners (68%), stress (63%), sexual dysfunction with current partners (44%), lack of emotional closeness. (38%) and chronic fatigue or fatigue (31%).

However, the obvious thing men and women have in common is that neither of them make sex a priority. It is because of this that many people consider adultery not a sin.

However, if the ideological infidelity is continuous, motivated into action, it will have a negative impact on the psyche, which is the risk of marriage breakdown, Ms. Linh Nga warned.

Thuy Trang (30 years old, in Long Bien, Hanoi) has always lived in torment and ideological struggle. Lying between her husband and her two-year-old son, she misses the man she has just gotten used to.

Two months ago, Thuy Trang met Duc Minh, the same age, at a conference organized by her company. Trang is the receptionist, Minh is a delegate from Ho Chi Minh City to attend. She is responsible for arranging hotels for him to rest, suggesting some new attractions he has never been to. Seeing that he was gentle and psychological, the more he contacted Trang, the more he wanted to be closer.

“We always behave properly. But looking into his eyes, I know Minh has feelings for me, just like me,” Thuy Trang said. She struggled a lot about telling him she was married, but was afraid that telling him would no longer have a reason to contact her.

Half a month after the first meeting, Mr. Duc Minh said there was something important he wanted Trang to know. Thinking that he confessed, she admitted that she was married and did not want to blame her husband and children. Duc Minh promised not to affect her private life.

After that day, she couldn’t find him on social media, couldn’t call or text him on the phone. Through colleagues, Trang knew that Duc Minh finished his business trip early. “I was dumbfounded like a lost soul for two months straight. I missed him so much. For a moment, I wished I had never been married,” she said.

Master of psychology Phong Nguyen (Hanoi), said that the confusion and discomfort Trang is having is not due to the appearance of a third person, but because she is also surprised about the impossible things in the political world. his inner world. “The experience was not pleasant,” the expert said.

Trang always wondered where Mr. Minh was now, what he was doing, who he talked to. At one point, she picked up the phone to text him and asked him, suddenly realizing that the two were no longer connected. She admits that she is lucky to meet a kind person, definitely not a third person. “If he crossed the line of friends, I would have let go and lost my family,” Trang said.

Because of transforming ideological adultery into action, the marriage of Mr. Nguyen Manh Dung (37 years old, in Ho Chi Minh City) broke down. Two years ago, he met his first love in a class reunion. Memories of the past came flooding back, making him reminisce all night.

At first, Dung only dreamed of the past, remembered the hug and first kiss, and then fell asleep with his wife and children. But in a big argument with his wife, he received a message from his high school friend asking him to go to karaoke, including his ex-lover. In the days that followed, they kept texting each other. The old girl, now separated, actively expressed her feelings, creating a business for the two of them to do business together.

For half a year, Dung kept his distance because he did not want to hurt his wife and children. But when his ex-lover stopped texting and meeting, he felt absent. They rushed into each other and signed the divorce papers together.

Psychologist Nguyen Xuan Phong believes that how to deal with the manifestations of ideological infidelity is not as important as considering the actual relationship. By the fact, getting caught up in the relationship even though it is in thought, proves that the current marriage has problems, needs adjustment, and warmth.

“It is possible that ideological adultery causes the family to separate. But the cracks of separation must come before that but we ignore, disregard or cover it up with countless fallacies,” Mr. Phong said.

Thuy Trang admitted that her marriage had a crack a few years ago. Her husband is a director of a business, always leaving early, leaving late. Sometimes Trang wanted her husband to spend more time with the family, he dismissed it. They quarrel, cold war, and then gradually get used to seeing their partners as invisible. Duc Minh’s appearance helps her feel loved, comforted and happy.

Previously, Manh Dung had never had any intention of betraying his wife, but he was always sad because his marriage was cold. “I want to hug my wife to sleep but every night she ignores me, just likes the phone,” he said. For many years the company organized travel, year-end parties, he invited his wife to go, she was busy having coffee with friends. Meeting his ex-lover again, loving feelings arose, being cared for and spoiled again, he admitted that he could not control reason.

Experts note, it is necessary to talk with your partner to correct existing problems, but do not admit to yourself Adultery thought. “Speaking out will only hurt the other party and bring no benefit. It is necessary to state directly what you think, your feelings for your spouse and how you want to change”, she suggested.

Listening to experts, Ms. Thuy Trang turned to books and courses to ignite the fire of marriage to change reality. She is softer when talking to her husband, cares for him, and at the same time takes care of her appearance.

“For the first time, my wife and I stayed up until morning, saying everything we’ve kept in our hearts for many years. The sun rose, our marriage was like a new page,” she said. Thuy Trang feels more sorry for her husband when she knows the daily pressures he has to face and regrets not sharing with her husband. Her partner also apologized for being indifferent to his wife and children. For the first time in three years, they had a dinner together.

Manh Dung, on the other hand, comes to his first love. “We became the husband and wife of our dreams at the age of 18, but our hearts are full of torment and repentance, especially when we meet two children,” he said.

Character name has been changed.

Pham Nga